Returning the Gita

Finally, I decided that it was going to be a start of a new chapter.

I stopped going to my studio for mysore practice. 

On a side note, putting a non-authorised teacher in charge of a mysore program is no more than a good illustration of how the commercialized yoga business runs, on top of having seen how being corporate allows one to deal with things like people (I have conveniently and grossly missed out the finer details involved (I apologize for that!) but I have no interest in delving in and troubling myself as a mere client (and Ashtanga yoga lover) who pays monthly membership fees.

I came from the corporate world, as the manager would later call me one day after reading my email about an earlier incident regarding the disruption of classes without notice and questionable process of sacking people, to educate me about the workings of the corporate world and the assurance that all ensued was fit and proper. Upon arriving at the point of realization that there was no other regulating body or "high management in Hongkong and Singapore" like my sales rep had put it to me (those words strangely had a powerful, calming effect on disturbed members) beyond the manager I was speaking with, I concluded at the back of my mind that there was no point for deeper discussion as the possibility of an alternative outcome was virtually zilch. The conversation was cordial with the ocassional exchange of personal views kept within amicable boundaries. I knew this manager and the manager knew me; we shared a good experience in the past. As I have no part and involvement in their internal corporate affairs and processes, they were naturally not what I contended on.

Personally, having been in the corporate environment, such things were nothing new and hardly surprising, yes. The only problem was: I got sick of it. That's why I left.

The questions that roused me deeply before I even started writing the email were: should I allow this to propagate and go unchecked? Should I let this pass, adopting a "none of my business" attitude and let such behaviour become a norm (which we, Singaporeans are darn fine at doing) in this particular case? Should I get involved? What is my position? What am I standing for? What can I stand for? What would be the opportunity cost to invest further time and energy in this? How should I do this in the best way possible? What kind of outcomes would there be? How should I write? Questions and more questions.

Also noteworthy: it does not mean that if something had been a standard practice adopted for a long time, it was necessarily "normal" or "right".

By now, you should have gotten a good grasp that I'm not one that easily accepts status quo, though I may fancy strict regimentation as a personal preference. I stand by values (that have little value or "use" in the eyes of today's society) that I believe in. I have a poor tolerance for tardy people and self-convenience at other's expense. Also, I suffer from the sickness of overthinking and overanalysing stupid thoughts and being overly emotional over things I am passionate about.

So, to add on, my original teacher moved studios and that created more doubt for me hanging on to find meaning in all that was unfolding within my ecosystem of practice beyond the outside, corporate stuff. I was reluctant to accept these changes (rather, I could no longer sit well with it) and decided it was time to move on. I informed them I wanted to end my 24 month membership within a month of renewing it.

On a rainy Friday morning, a fellow student came to my office to collect a finished bhagavad gita book as his brother had needed it urgently. We spent nearly an hour chatting about yoga and some of the things that happened recently over morning coffee.

"How's everything, has everything stabilized for you?"

"I'm doing my own self-practice these days. I can't find that same enthusiasm and dedication to turn up every single day, looking forward to practice there anymore. On that very last week when I returned to the studio for practice, I felt it. Things have changed for me and I think its time to move on. I just told my sales rep to cancel/transfer my membership, a few days ago."

"So where are you going to practice? Maybe you could go to [name of another authorised teacher]." 

"I don't feel a strong attraction and the location is inconvenient. To be honest, I have already figured out where I will be going..."

"Haha. I knew it."

 "...Whether it turns out to be a good or bad decision, frankly, I don't have answers but I know I can't stay. Maybe someday I will be back, who knows? But for the next 2 months, there will be some disruptions, anyway. I will be going back for 2 weeks of in-camp training in October and 6 days of Sharath workshop in Bali in November."

"I think this teacher is good [lists several positive attributes]. And you're perfectionist... All teachers are good, they have their own styles and approaches but undoubtedly, all of them want the best for their student..."

"Yes. Agreed on that. There were benefits and only benefits I've gained from my teachers in all and different ways. And likewise for them, they have studied with several teachers in the course of their journey as well. It's just part of growth."

"Have you told teacher that you are leaving [name of giant, powerful, commercialized yoga studio] yet?"

"No. I didn't. I don't think its necessary, at least, at this point. We are not in close communication and I think it makes no difference. I leave quietly - not that there is anything particularly worthy or important to shout about - and the last thing I want, in anything I do, is to affect other students in any way. You as well. You sure won't be affected, right?"

"Haha. No, of course not. I'm agnostic and neutral mostly but its natural somebody will ask and talk. There's always politics where there's people, you know it well." 

"Yes, but I can only choose to avoid as I have no interest in these affairs. This is my journey and everyone's is different. I have gained a lot from teacher over the last few years. I remembered when I first went for my mysore class at [name of boutique studio], there were only 2 - 3 students. One day, teacher adjusted me in marichyasana D and it was the first time I ever got the bind and I was like, oh my god! I struggled so much with this and it's possible now! My heart is overflowing with gratitude! Oh, my imperfect body feels worthy now! I feel like I'm about to cry right now! I'm going to cry! I will never forget that particular day and other such moments when I get an adjustment or experience a breakthrough. When you look back at it, you laugh at yourself why you were so silly then but I think its a normal process we all go through practicing ashtanga yoga. Over time, you become familiar with what is happening with your body, with the practice, sensations, what is happening physiologically, and I consider that a kind of maturity. You are no longer as raw or emotionally-sensitive as you were, like getting into marichyasana D for the first time and sobbing uncontrollably because you develop a better sense and understanding of what is going on in the practice. Maybe it is kind of a desensatization but I won't call it that for lack of a better word. For me, asides from the period of freedom of self exploration I have been through in teacher's classes, I have accidently stumbled upon exploring the other new possibilities that I have never been able to find that surrounds physicality, form, and the strictness of the vinyasa system. I think I have missed out that unexplored possibility for myself and that's what I want to go into at this juncture and untap it. And that's just my journey."

"Don't think too much about it. You think too much. Just follow your heart."