What's 1+1?

It's been a long time since I wrote. 

Journalling keeps me accountable but I haven't had the right opportunity to do so until now.

Around November last year, I started regular, 6 day a week Ashtanga yoga practice (1 to 2 days are self-practices) with my teacher at the studio for 3 months before some disruptions took place. It was through regular, consistent practice that I truly felt the effects of yoga being produced in the body and mind; it is different from the post-yoga bliss. As I have experienced, it is after a 2 week period of 6 days a week practice that my body starts acclimatizing to the practice and improvements start to be felt - the bandhas and strength, especially. I believe that flexibility and the nervous system were also reaping the benefits of practice, though those are not the most easily noticeable. 

The other effect that I had experienced along with it - I call it the dark side - was becoming very analytical and critical, with a lowered tolerance for the "imperfections" in daily life (especially at work). This also came with the tendency to self-impose the same strict standards on oneself and develop a radar/laser-guided missle for these things: sluggishness and tardiness; the lack of effort, efficiency, common sense, or drive; uneducated and unintelligent views being aired (myself included) - basically, when I am under that spell, anybody who exhibited these signs would sound off the "idiot" alarm and in turn, the asshole version of me would come alive - which by the way, I absolutely abhor and do not fancy - due to the immense, irresistible urge to "correct" or see things being "correct" that are obviously not within my control, and for the well-known fact that it is not nice being an asshole. 

Thankfully, this asshole only came as far as to be confined within the boney walls of my impenetrable skull, as I would try to remain silent in the face of the madness that is unfolding.

My speculation is that it is an imprint from the aspiration for strict adherence to The Method, day in and out, counting and counting, one movement falling within the specific duration of one breath, within the parameter of one gazing point. And of course, the striving of performing asanas and transitions as correctly as possible and correcting the flaws and imbalances in one's own body structure and alignment (i.e. your own unique set of "problems" that you need to deal with), including the relentless pursuit and non-negotiable commitment of waking up every day to practice at the same time, same hour, and eternally be refining it, all have a part of influence.

Yes. It turns me into a maniac, hardcore driver of excellence, and a perfectionist. I made attempt to cope with the dark side by remaining silent during my encounters with those mentioned triggers, though, I'm not sure if that's the better resort because any outward expression or transparency would cause an inevitable breaking of hearts and smashing of feelings. Moreover, I was convinced that there's no point wasting effort to convince those that are unable to "get it" or are deeply immersed in their individual idiosyncrasies (again, that's very asshole-like). I am writing about this because I am aware of the experience and I'm certain it is happening.

I was introduced to intermediate series by my teacher after the second month of my practice and my usual 1 hr 30 min lasted 1 hour 45 mins to 2 hours, on top of repeating the weak postures 2 or 3, and sometimes even 10 times. I did the sequence everyday and missed some days. There were good days and bad days but all that led me towards one thing in the end: shifting towards a vegetarian diet, in hopes that it will help my body and mind cope and settle in with the practice.

The 3 biggest issues that constantly interfered with my practice are 1) diet due to social pressure and limited food options, 2) sleeping very few hours; inadequate rest (though sometimes I'm able to function on superhuman mode), and 3) personal problems.

If you're like me, drifting hopelessly in the sea of Samsara, with bondages chained to your societal, family and economic obligations, desires such as adopting a yogic lifestyle or even maintaining a vegetarian diet and having your last meal before sunset, would most likely exist as a pervasive problem. Occasions where work and personal engagements that involve functions and dinners would see cumbersome personal preferences being cast aside ("What? Vegetarian? Why? You sure?" Next comes the sound of sniggers from the back). If you worked a regular day job in a city like Singapore, dinner before sundown would never be possible because dinner equals bonding time. And the obligatory consumption of fine, alcoholic products at social events ("It would be nice..." or "This is good, you've got to..." kind of statements, as your hosts would most certainly put it to you politely that a refusal would come across as rudeness). Business networking or special occasions almost always involve the element of food and drinks and being me, I would welcome it heartily (or at least pretend so), in order to leave a positive impression and be quick to internalize the idea that the yoga would be able to dissolve it all.

After a long break due to some personal problems and travelling, my practice suffered and my diet gave way which caused a weight gain. During that period, I was also undergoing stress (most of it, I felt was unnecessary); I was depressed and vexed. I thought about practice every day but could only manage 1 - 3 times a week of practice at best, which at the back of my mind was the constant thought of changing how things were, to continue with the yoga race and reach the last limb of Samadhi, hopefully, in due course of the next one hundred or ninety-nine lifetimes, if all goes according to plan.

In late July, I was spending practically all my free time alone for 1 - 2 weeks. I read daily. My mind became clear. I was immersing myself in positive things. I was focused in my work (as I am always, fortunately). I had zero distractions. I woke up even earlier every day, even on weekends and rest days. My practice was starting come on full force again and that was the time when I met my next teacher whom I practiced for a very short time due to some issues that transpired but it impacted me deeply. Before I knew it, I was back on 6 days a week practice and it felt like second nature and what I was living for.

Some things which I came to realize, were that the 6-days a week practice is crucial if you want to realize the maximum potential of your practice. Studying with ONE teacher who is dedicated and committed to 6 days a week practice is a key factor that keeps the student grounded, focused and stable so that progress is possible (for me, at least). Studying with more than one teacher is unsound as both will make the student work in different ways they deem best for the student and the approach may not be the same (though both are correct and not wrong) and it will lead to confusion and instability in practice. Finally, the fact is that you will meet more than one teacher along the journey and your teachers change, as the same can be said about finding the right teacher - it is simply a natural growth process, as I was told.

If I could add one last one, it would be to trust your instincts and vibes you receive and muster the courage to follow them and be completely honest with yourself. After all, the responsibility of taking care of yourself lies with you and you alone in the first place, before we start allowing someone else take care of us (if one day you feel that a particular style of practice doesn't suit you, change it). You take ownership for the consequences of your choices.

The other thing which has surfaced in my mind quite often recently would be the making of some life decisions outside of yoga practice at this juncture: 1) Leave things at status quo and allow it to continue as per normal until something happens. 2) Give up 1 and start my own business/carve out my own living in exchange for autonomy over my priorities and goals, due to the fact that it is nearly impossible to leave my present work responsibilities for more than 2 weeks to 1 month - to go to Mysore, India - while working with or for someone else. 3) Completely revamp my life and pursue the things that resonate most accurately with me and start a business that is in line with my values, live frugally, let go chasing after status, achievements, and materialism (which includes the obligatory consumption of fine, alcoholic products), go to Mysore, India and possibly travel indefinitely. 4) Revisit these options again, a couple of years later...

And if you're wondering, the answer to the title: No, it isn't 2 (mathematical logic), or 3 (theory of synergy)

It's happy hour.

Namaste. (I always thought it sounds cringe-worthy but somehow it felt appropriate this time)