Bangkok Diaries

I'm sitting at the cafe in Bangkok as I am writing this.

I thought about my past, five, six years ago. The things that I had chased after was by far a stark contrast. The lifestyle, the people, the thoughts that pervaded me day and night, the endless desires and conquests, the self-transformation I sought. I was living in another world, another realm.

It was change and a lot of repeated pain that brought me here, a sincere effort to heal and recover from the very darkness I chased for and hurt me in the end. For the first time in my life, I felt good without the nights, the company, the faces, the lights, the oblivion.

There were questions now, looking back at what had transpired. Was I running away? Did I run away from something missing? The value in answering those questions were unimportant though, because I've already filled those cracks and holes. I knew I would still and eventually, choose this path. Though, I'm not sure if living with these questionable truths about the reality was the right thing.

If I could go forth from here, it'll be Mysore, India. There's no doubt about it. The biggest take away from all these thoughts would be to answer the call inside me that had been there since young; to lead a life of sincere soul-searching without worldly distraction; to lead a life of self-cultivation and see where that takes me, living day by day, watching the journey unfold, that was all that mattered.

In a way, having these thoughts may prove to be a blessing because of my circumstances, where the contrast is stark. I'm living a life of a householder with worldly commitments and attachments. Perhaps, questions would always remain. Perhaps, I would keep on wondering, serving as nothing more than mere magic but a lifetime of inspiration. Perhaps, it is best we find suitable answers for ourselves and let that lead us to closure.

I'm grateful to my teachers whom have guided me in one way or another. Most of all, thank you Guruji for leaving us with such a beautiful and profound practice.

The degree of unattainability makes me think about what could have been, especially in times of despair and desolation. Would I be living a simple life in India, walking on the secular and sacred grounds of Varanasi, or some part in the Himalayas, away from the present day situation on the shores of home paved with concrete, tree-planted roads, ERP gantries and the broken things I wasn't able to fix? Would I be making pilgrimages to little-known corners of the world in search of Kaivalya or wise old men? Would I be walking barefooted, with nothing, to no where, searching for my true self? Perhaps, these questions may be equally laughable and ridiculous to someone who reads this, as much as the unquenchable thirst and desire to seek the path of spiritual liberation that it leaves me with. Perhaps, it was all destined and decided that I shall lead the live I am living now, with the things and people I have, in seeking of spiritual truth, uncovering precious lessons that could not have been gained otherwise, in order to understand and reflect on what spiritual pursuit entails and possibly, share it.

Instead of having the end in sight, maybe the journey towards it was the goal itself.

Here lies the goal right in front of me; it had always been there within reach, yet I had not realised that the point of it all, was to recognize that it was there all along and I have, undoubtedly, already been gifted with the opportunity to practice yoga which was the goal right there.